Alone & Desperate

By: Shan'Tiera Clark March 25, 2014

Usually, every little girl will have someone tell them that they are beautiful, and they will prosper in life. My mom would say, “Hillary you have beauty and brains. With that in life, you could never go wrong.” And every time she said that I believed her. I knew I was smart. I always brought in good grades, and I was far from ugly. Yet, the confusion in my life continued to linger. Mama was right, I did prosper and accomplished many things in my life. But what mama didn’t mention was that beauty and brains can only allow me to prosper in so many ways. What about learning how to love and how to be loved? What about being able to be independent but still being able to allow a man to hold me when I need to be held? And that’s the problem…I know how to love but not how to be loved, I know how to give but not how to receive. 

Do you know how horrifying it is to sit up every other night sipping on wine? Don’t get me wrong, I love my wine; but I’ll prefer drinking my wine and then getting some action afterwards. I’m tired of going to bed alone. Hell, I’m tired of being lonely! Sometimes I think that some men are just intimidated by a woman that has accomplished so much. I mean, I can understand why it might be intimidating but it doesn’t hurt to try. 

Why are men so scared nowadays? You can find a good man but then he instantly says he’s not trying to get in a relationship as if I want to get married the next day. Like damn, I’m not trying to have your baby I just want to get to know you. Maybe it’s the fact that some women are very independent, which can make a man feel unneeded. I know I am one of those women that make men feel that way, but I don’t try to. I want to be able to accept love from a man, but it’s so hard to do so when every man you know use the word “love” so loosely. My mom raised me all alone and 98% of the time she never asked anyone for help. As a child you never really realize how quickly things can rub off on you until you’re grown and realize that it is a problem. 

Now that I am older, I see that I don’t like to depend on men for anything. I can’t even allow a man to buy me dinner. I like being independent, but I hate that I can’t allow a man to love me. Maybe that is the thing that hurts the most. All my life I had a craving to be loved by a man. When I was growing up my father was absent and there was no man to look up to. However, I continue to have this craving for a man. A man that can comfort me, a man that is loyal, a man that accepts me for who I am. Although I have this craving for a man I still do not know if I will allow this man to do what’s right. I constantly ask myself; can I let him hold me when I am sad? Will I let him caress my curves after a long day of work? Can I make love to him and know that he would be a great father if I was to get pregnant? And the main question, can I trust him will my heart?

There are so many questions that I want answered, that probably will never be answered. I guess that’s just the price I have to pay for being so damn desperate. Desperate for love and happiness. When you’re alone with a bottle of wine you have no choice but to become desperate. Your mind begins to wonder, and you start to analyze every aspect of your life. It just so happens that mines are based off love. But yours can simply be based off what type of wine you’ll be drinking next.